The sonogram on Tuesday morning revealed no heartbeat. This was difficult to see, but we are hopeful that God will work through this loss. We were able to get an appointment with Dr. Hoffman at Baylor that afternoon. He performed the procedure to end the pregnancy. He was a kind doctor and combined with all the Midwives at Baylor, we could not have been in better hands. While Tuesday was a tough day, we felt the comfort of God's people. Thank you.
Ally rested at home until this morning.
There's a certain amount of awkwardness in suffering publicly. Especially when you put your dire situation out there for prayer. Many pray for something miraculous to occur, and then seemingly, it doesn't. Our main request for prayer though was for increased faith. Your prayers are still being answered. The very definition of faith being "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". We had much that we had hoped for in this pregnancy, but not having seen God answer the prayer for a child yet, all we could do was believe. We believed, but it didn't happen. Yes, I would love to be a dad, and Ally would love to be a mom, but it just didn't happen. It stinks. There's no other way to say it, but it's not the end to our story. We know that there are new mercies out there that we will experience together (see: Lamentations 3:22-23). The realization of these mercies are proof that your prayers are answered.
My eyes opened this morning to find Ally dressed and ready for another day. She was wearing jewelry, make-up, perfume and all. She said, "I'm going to work." I was shocked. How could a girl who had gone through this be ready to start again? And it hit me: it's her faith. She has amazingly strong faith. Together, our faith has been broken down, but it's being rebuilt. But we say that our strong faith does not equal strength. It equals weakness. Faith is the willingness to be weak and to let our God do the rest. We are weak. Tears come at random times. My knees get weak and I have to sit. My thoughts are dizzying to a point of actual dizziness. Ally gets that blank stare: the one where it's obvious what she's thinking about.
We are a picture of weakness. We are not a picture of strength.
Our God has provided strength when we need it. This comes as a result of our weakness. He works through suffering. It's the catalyst for joy. That has been proven throughout history, and He is still proving this to us.
Your emails and comments (and that huge box of cheezits waiting for us on the porch) have helped to sustain us. We are blessed to know you and blessed to be able to share our sufferings with you.
Zeb & Ally