sowing & reaping

Dear Family,

Our doctor visit on Monday was identical to the previous 5. We enter a room where a midwife or a doctor listens for a heartbeat. We hear the heartbeat, and then we go home. Sometimes we cry on the way, and sometimes we stop for donuts. And sometimes we do both.

Several have asked, "the doctor said 2-4 weeks? So what's going on? Is there room for a miracle? What if...?" We are told that miracles do happen, but having to see doctors all the time usually weakens that belief. The conditions that our baby has are many, Turner Syndrome is the least of these. According to doctors, the fatal issues are the lack of necessary chromosomes (which is related to TS), and the fluid that corrupts the vital organs. God can solve all the issues if He wants, and He may. We are doing our best to put our hope in Him. He can take it from there.

I was taking a friend home earlier that doesn't have a car, and was asking him about his life. I asked specifically about his relationship with his family. He told me that he rarely speaks to any of his family, even his daughters. To gain more insight on why he is the way he is, I asked him what kind of a relationship he has with his father. He gave a similar answer- "I never talk to him". From this I learned that he never had a true earthly father: one that loved and cared for him the way a father should, and as a result, he has been shaped this way. (I share this with you because you are our family and we want you to know how God is speaking to us. And so this is part of our update.)

In the midst of this conversation, several things became clear to me. I am blessed to have an earthly father who loves and cares for me the way he should, and we talk regularly. But more importantly, I have another Father that I do not talk to enough. I don't pray like I could. Even during this struggle, I haven't. I issue excuses like "what in the world would I ask?" or "I've already asked for children, and look what happened!" or "you're gonna do what you're gonna do, God and I can't stop you" etc. etc. etc. When my friend told me that he never speaks to his earthly father, I had the self-righteous thought of "just think what talking to God could do for you..." I was immediately convicted in my heart that I have access to God and I don't utilize it like I could. I spared him my confession, as he has previously joked, "You must be a Mormon. Mormons always talk about heaven and Jesus". I'll keep working on him slowly...

This story seemed relevant to me because I forget that it is our God that has comforted us during this time, and He has done so because even when I am not faithful to cry out to Him, you have. We are living a nightmare to many, but in the midst of it, He "renews our strength" (Isaiah 40:31) as we lay our burdens at His feet. Allison and I both agree that the Lord has given us these last 6 weeks to prepare us. He is shaping us in this way, and we have the opportunity to rely on Him. We know that hard times are to come, but we know that our strength will be renewed- again.

Allison's attitude during this time would humble you beyond belief. I promise. She gets up early. She exercises. She studies truth and she applies it. She is sad, but she remains composed and she is proof to me that I am loved by God.

We read Psalm 126:5 the other night and were comforted. It says, "Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of joy."

I get upset with the Lord for allowing us to go through this waiting period, but a good friend of mine recently reminded me that the Saviour of the universe also went through a difficult waiting period-- when "He who knew no sin, took on flesh". Jesus waited and waited and waited. He knew his physical heart would stop beating. He cried out to His Father. He questioned his Father. And then, He was with His Father.

We sow in tears today, but tomorrow... tomorrow we will reap with songs of joy.

To God Be The Glory,

Zeb & Ally

Romans 8:28